When I Couldn’t Look in the Mirror

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When I Couldn’t Look in the Mirror

by Isabelle Marsh,
Self-Esteem Identity Self-Image

I often wonder why I won’t turn the light on. It’s easy for me to live in the dark. My make-up routine is darkened by curtains and lights that do not shine. My family often thought it was odd that I had memorized my facial features so that I wouldn’t require a light to put on make-up. My family often thought it was odd that I did almost everything in the dark.

Self-esteem is a remarkable challenge.

When I was younger and much more naive than I am now, I often thought of myself as beautiful. I was described as a slender young woman with tall stature. Somewhere along the lines, I began to change. It might have been the stretch marks that no longer reminded me of my journey or the lines that grew on my face. What saddened me was I was no longer enjoying my journey into adulthood. Instead, I looked at my body like it was old, sad and lonely. I didn’t want to enjoy my change because it didn’t feel good to me. I couldn’t define ‘good’, either.

Of course, I look at how social media has greatly influenced my ability to remain confident. I am often flabbergasted to see the lifestyles depicted on the internet, wishing they were mine. Then, I threaten I’m going to create an entirely new social media image to depict something that is not my own because that is what seems normal.

I’ve never done such but I do wonder – does anyone live a ‘normal’ life anymore? Or is everything extravagant?

I’m okay living a simple and mediocre life. Previously, I wasn’t, but now I am settled on the simplicity of my day to day. And with that comes a profound change to look at myself as normal and okay.

As a 23 year old, things are beginning to change. I am happily engaged and putting myself down no longer matters. I’m with a man who laughs at moments another may otherwise turn away.