On First Love and A Lifelong Fear of Abandonment

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On First Love and A Lifelong Fear of Abandonment

by Aubree Phillips
by
Relationships Love Childhood

No child ever thinks their parents will get divorced. The fear sets in as the thought of abandonment enters your mind. It is the worst feeling knowing your family can’t be whole ever again. I was that child, and my fear was real. I grew up avoiding getting into relationships because why would I want to be abandoned again like before? It was not enough to be loved by one parent without craving the affection of the other. As time passed, I realized I wanted to feel whole again. I was ready to face my fear of abandonment, and the thought that the person that I love may one day leave me too. I knew I had to be ready though, ready to feel broken.

So I tried online dating when I was a freshman in college. Not knowing what I was getting into, I dated whoever seemed nice. It turned out that ‘nice’ was not enough. I wanted someone more of my type, but I didn’t know who I was yet, so no guy I dated was for me. It was a shame having to find excuses to end the date, even if it was right for me. It took some time before I came to realize that I am a nerd who also loves to exercise. By knowing that about myself, I knew that the next time I dated, I may have a better chance at finding love.

When I was a senior in college, I decided to date again. “This time will be different, I just know it,” I thought to myself as I once again browsed through the various profiles online. I wanted someone to relate to this time. It was much easier to weed out the profiles of men that I would not be compatible with. By focusing on what I wanted, I was able to find much better results. That’s how I met the man I dated and came to be in a relationship with.

I knew he was right for me based on the initial conversations and the first few dates. However, the fear in me wanted a way out, wanted to say “he has a problem you won’t be able to accept”, but the fear of losing this man was even stronger. I did what I never did before, and I gave him a chance. The more time I spent with him, the more I came to admire and love him, just as much as he admires and loves me. Together we learned about ourselves and why we do the things we do.

I have been with this man for almost a year, and I must say that it was worth all the struggles, all the tears, the laughter, everything. I learned that abandonment is nothing to be afraid of, especially if you are with the right person. If I had not trusted my gut and not given him a chance, I would have regretted it forever. I don’t fear abandonment anymore, just the thought of losing all the memories we share, because that is love.

Aubree Phillips graduated from Penn State Abington in May 2017 with honors. Since then, she has been developing her career as a professional writer. She loves to write about various different topics, such as lifestyle, health and wellness, dating and relationships, recipes, and more. She is currently writing for a website named Food and Dating where she mainly writes about dating advice and ideas. In her spare time, she loves to write about animal stories. She is also a huge Tolkien fan, and loves to catch up on all things Middle Earth. Her ultimate dream is to be able to travel to the places that inspired her writing. She hopes to be able to one day live the life of a hobbit by enjoying “good food, good company and all the comforts of home.” She currently lives with her mother in Elkins Park, Pennsylvania until she can support herself financially.